Living with and through mental illness changes every second of the day and it would only be a major underestimation to say anything less. It is that life changing. You never have a holiday from it and you never stop watching the horizon even when the sun is shining. As steady as any ship in a safe harbour I can stand back and watch the world unfold but I am always wearing my life jacket waiting for the next big wave. It is that life changing.
The death of comic genius, Robin Williams, affected me more than those around me as he died from my disease. He is yet another that didn't make it. Everywhere I look I see evidence of depression and anxiety disorders in others. I sense it like a bloodhound but I don't say a thing as this killer, like it's carriers are silent. The silence of it is perhaps its deadliest part. We all know this and even those that aren't ill know this, but we still stay silent even when we lose greatness. A lame lifeline message is thrown on the screen like fine print to avoid liability and we just move on. I have not moved on. From my friend Paul, from my favourite actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman and I will not move on from losing Robin Williams.
If I could make my life mean something, if I could make the words on this page matter, I would fill them with words about this disease. I would talk about it until others have no choice but to join into the conversation. I would fill every room and every head with the importance of this disease.
Yet I go to work everyday in my normal costume and talk about everything but. I have been working with the same group of people for months and I have not utter a word about my illness. Where is my bravery now? I may as well have helped Robin tie that knot myself. But we are at the stage of chasing tails with this disease. We cannot admit to it as it carries a stigma yet it carries a stigma because no one admits to it. I do not mean casually and dismissively thrown the D word into conversation like you experienced it at one point like you would a bad hangover, but actually sitting down with people and telling them what it took for you to leave your house this morning (if you are indeed luckily enough to have one). I mean asking someone if they are OK not because they seem tired or frustrated or over Mondays but asking someone that is silently screaming if they are OK, if they are feeling strong enough to go home to an empty house, if they are feeling safe in their own company. Because that feeling of safety is something people with mental illness don't always feel. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine a time when you don't fear the boogieman but you are actually afraid to go home because you don't feel safe within your own head. No wonder why we lose so many to suicide. No wonder why so many are murdered by suicide. I use the word murder because that is exactly what it is. Suicide only happens when the person loses the choice to live and don't even use the words coward and easy in the same sentence, as for me, the only thing braver than dying of depression is living with it.
one in five live with mental illness in Australia. One in five. I am one in five. I am not weak, stupid or useless. I am an overachiever, I am above average in intelligence, I am educated and articulate and I love and are loved by others. I am one in five and sometimes I do not feel safe. I go to work ever day and I am a valuable, respected member of my team, I pay my taxes and I have never broken the law. I am one in five. I am the girl next to you on the bus, at the restaurant, in the cinema, I am the girl you just asked for a drink. I am one in five.
If I could make my life mean something, If I could make the words on this page matter I would fill them with words about this disease.
Goodbye funny man, you were not alone as one in five of us were there too, you just couldn't hear us as no one really talks around here.
