The Fury

History is such a painful thing. The sum of us is so much of what has been that it is difficult to move forward without it..if indeed we move forward. Most of us move crab like into the next day with hardened shells from yesteryear. Sideways is a way, maybe not the best or most productive way but it beats the hell out of being stationary.

Amnesia would be a blessing to most except the confusion of the known expectation of coming from somewhere or something would drive you into inaction. We are all expected to come from something, from somewhere and even though we all accept this idea we still forget that we all have a past that moves us, scars us, and influences us in every way.

I know a woman that claims to never live in the past, claims that it is done and dusted and has no bearing on her present state. Unfortunately this woman has children that echo every mistake, trauma and hurt from her often raw past. She is in pain

I know a man that lives in the past. He is a man that only dances in déjà vu by reliving every moment and every day until he is unable to live another. He is in pain

I know a woman that laughs at her mistakes, wrinkled and toothless beyond her years she relives with a sparkle in her eye. Her past and its pain is a trophy in the same way that the lines on her face tell her story. Pain never settles on her face.

But is this about acceptance? Accepting something isn’t always our friend as it often bends us, breaks us into accepting the often unacceptable. It seems that it can be just as fruitless to live in our past as it is to accept it and let it change our future. So do we face it, fight it? Spend endless hours in expensive chairs, talking to even more expensive people? Do we run away from it, from everything that even carries a scent of our past?

There are certain things that I cannot do because of what has happened before. I wish you could accept that.

Forgiveness it’s the toughest of human emotions but I believe it is important not to challenge those that cannot.

I will always carry this. I will always butt heads with you over this. I will always see this when I close my eyes. I cannot forgive as it will mean that I will accept that I deserved this, that I couldn’t do better or be better if I tried. If I forgive this it will mean that I no longer exist as I will be telling you and the rest of the world that is OK for you to treat me this way as I have forgiven another for it before.

It will bend me, it will break me, and it will make me accept something that is unacceptable.

Sometimes you need fury to find and fight for a future.