Zombie

Having a few days off always makes me a little nervous, as if having no structure will collapse the very framework of my own body. I am such an institutionalised being these days that I feel claustrophobic in wide open spaces and time. This only happened post break down, as I once was a great daydreamer who would seek out the empty moments of time and space just to fill it. I lived an internal life of colour and wonder and now I still live internally, but the space waiting for my invention often sits empty. I used to look forward to dreams as they were wonderful and moving and so good I would often wake myself up laughing. However even this changed after the break down, and now I dread the nights and still 7 years on I fight sleep and the nothingness it brings. I am never bored as I have always been resourceful but boredom is not my complaint or my concern. Why is it that even after all this time, I still find it hard to plan or even imagine a future of some kind? I know that I will wake each day and go to work and even that I will enjoy it, as I find my career very satisfying but why is it that I cannot find the same sense of purpose in my personal life? Why can I see and plan out every step of my career yet fail to see how to fill three days of holidays without watching the clock. I don’t even look forward to weekends anymore and I don’t see the point in spending time with friends or making plans. I have become an expert in excuses to the point that even I am starting to believe them. I have always thought that I was a loner like my father, that I am an introvert. My biggest fear is that this isn’t true, and I am just alone, because I don’t know how to be anything but. Seven years ago I was alive and I dreamed. What if I’m not anymore? What if this is as good as it gets.